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Owning Your Shame
The thing about doing something you regret is that you are often too ashamed to own up to it. When you are afraid to share your humiliation with other people, it ends up burrowing deep into your...
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I am a Dance Mom Failure
For the past year, The Munch has been attending dance classes at the local dance studio. I’m usually teaching dance or dancing myself during that time – so her grandmother has been forced to be the...
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The World Of Make Believe is Kinda F*cked Up!
As adults, I think we all envy the imagination of children. Their ability to lose themselves in a play pretend planet, and envision a reality I can only achieve after taking acid. Yet sometimes when I...
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My Personal Parenting PTSD
Over the weekend I hosted a women’s dinner where we celebrated our uteruses by winding our fallopian tubes around the moon, and dancing our menses deep into the earth’s core. Or we made quinoa and...
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A Monster is Ruling My life
The parent child relationship is a dance of power dynamics. Of course as the grown up, you are in control – but there are moments when the ferocious emotional reaction of your child will make you bow...
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Hating Your Parents
You know how you once thought you would never turn into your parents, and then you realize, “oh fuck, I am totally just like my parents?” Yeah… so do I. There are many things my mom did to me when I...
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Pretending to Pretend
If you came to my house and saw me dressed up like a princess while talking to my stuffed animals, would you think that was sweet – or that I had totally lost my fucking mind? Chances are you would...
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Even Though I Love You I Don’t Always Like You
We all love our families – or at least we feel the cultural pressure to say we do, and honor the obligation by pretending. I have an to uncle whom I sign off emails saying, “love Toni,” but in truth I...
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Do You Like Being a Mom?
The other day The Munch and I were driving in the car and she asked me this question. Munch: Do you like being a mom? Toni: Well, I like you! I am glad you were born and I love you forever. But I don’t...
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Splash Me and I’ll Splash you Back
After squatting out my child 4 ½ years ago, every single day of my life since, I’ve been a mom. The problem is that I don’t always feel like being a mom. Or maybe more accurately, some days I am better...
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Desire Vs Logic
We don’t always want what’s good for us. Desire in its rawest form comes from a deep primal craving to indulge in the moment – regardless of consequences. Some of the best times of my life were when I...
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10 Things My Kid Has Said To Me That I Am So Glad No One Knows About
Here are some direct quotes from The Munch that has she said to me in private. Thank god no one overheard her, because that would soooo embarrassing! Mom, did you put puke oil on your hair? It smells...
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I Don’t Really Like Being Around People
Every family has its own culture. Personality traits pass through generations. Mannerisms and tendencies are preserved through the socialization process from parent to child. This can take on a variety...
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I Think I’ll Go Cry About That
Isn’t it kind of nuts that ocean water pours out of your face when you feel emotions? Although sometimes it feels really good to release liquid out your eyeballs, crying is also a really intense way to...
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The Smart Phone Vacation
The world is changing like a newborn’s diaper – shit is moving fast. Every time I step outside my isolated country existence I experience culture shock. I feel like an unfrozen relic of the past,...
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An Inappropriate Story
Gather around for inappropriate story time! The other day I had to take a shower, and The Munch said she wanted to take one too. We were pressed for time, so we decided to just take one together. Now,...
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Are You Lying To Me?
Lying is one of those things that everybody pretends not to do. It isn’t exactly an attractive thing to admit about yourself. “Hey, I’m Toni – I make a mean batch of organic kale chips, love walking...
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You Don’t Have To Be A Creative Genius to Be Artistic
Being a parent has really helped with my acting chops because I have to act “impressed” a lot. You know, so I am encouraging and don’t scar my kid for life by looking at a drawing she made of me and...
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I am totally okay with you growing up
When you first squirt out a precious baby, the prevailing advice people give is “savor every second – it goes by so fast.” Yeah kinda – but it also goes by really slow. Some days with my kid I look at...
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Excessive Empathy For Strippers and Paddington Bear
I feel really uncomfortable in strip clubs. Not because I am not bisexual, or that I am uncomfortable with the human body. It isn’t every day that I look so deep into a woman’s cavernous open vagina...
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